Students studying in the UC

Students studying in the UC

Fall 2012 is well underway, and that looming, dark question has already clouded the campus:  How on Earth am I going to be able to fail all of these classes? After all, anyone can pass a college course, but failing- that takes true dedication. So, for the quickest results, I’ve constructed a foolproof formula that’s guaranteed to earn you that F you’ve been waiting for:

Day 1: Lose your syllabus- you know, that important document with due dates, grading scales, and professor contact information. With that out of the way, failure is just right around the corner!

Day 2: Get your books from Textbook Rental…but don’t ever crack them open. Seriously. There could be something really terrifying in there- like new information on a subject. You’ll want to avoid that stuff at all costs.

Day 3: Don’t ask questions. Leave that for those crazy kids who want to get an A.

Day 4: Text, tweet, check Facebook, browse Pinterest, upload to Instagram, and email during class, particularly important lectures. All of that multitasking will really make sure you are totally confused and have the best chances of remembering absolutely nothing.

Day 5: Make a list of excuses for not completing any work. I’d recommend “My dog ate my homework.” The professors always fall for that one!

Day 6: Avoid your professor’s office hours like the plague, especially if you have questions. For best results, prevent speaking to your instructor or even making eye contact.

Day 7: Never take notes. A far better use for your pencils and notebooks is doodling.

Day 8: Arrive late or leave early. If neither of these are possible, going to the bathroom four or five times during one lecture would also suffice.

Day 9: Conveniently “forget” about all of your homework

Day 10: Nap through class. After all, those tiny desks are just so comfortable!

So, remember, if you want to fail a class, this is definitely the way to do it. However, for any other results (including eventually graduating), I might try a different approach. For actual tips on study skills, schedule a visit with your academic advisor.