I Loved You Enough

Since the end of August 2015, when Sam was first hospitalized, I started understanding what unconditional love meant. Of course, I had always loved Sam, but in the months following his original diagnosis and observation, I loved him even deeper. I loved him knowing what could happen. I loved him through his suffering and kept hope and smiles when I was around him. I loved him while rubbing his back and stroking his hair at 2 AM, and by doing bedsore dressing changes up to 4 times a day when he was home prior to his final hospitalization. I loved him selflessly the day he passed, knowing I needed to let him go. Love is always a blessing and beautiful, but there is something indescribably and tragically beautiful when your loved one’s peace and comfort are more important than their physical presence in your life.

I’m blessed that I know that marriage isn’t all fun and games. It’s filled with unconditional and selfless love. It involves taking care of your spouse in ways you never imagine you would have to. It includes making decisions you never think you would have to make. It becomes watching your spouse’s physical, mental, and emotional health deteriorate daily and realizing what’s ahead, but never letting him see your fear. It’s dirty and hard work, but it’s one of the most honorable jobs. I didn’t get to keep Sam for the rest of my life, but Sam got to keep me for the rest of his. I needed to put my own wants and needs aside to make Sam as comfortable as possible. I honestly feel that that was the biggest responsibility I’ve ever had in my entire life. No matter how much I wanted him to stay with me forever, I knew how unfair and unrealistic that was. I knew he was in far too much pain to stay in this world. Since his passing, I’ve realized that I would rather endure this horrible heartache and miss Sam’s physical presence than have him here physically and suffering the way he was.

I miss Sam every single day and always will, but I smile and remember the memories we shared and the adventures we took together. I feel incredibly thankful that I was chosen to be a part of his journey. I feel lucky that I experienced a kind of love that not many get to have. I feel humbled that he held on long enough for me to be next to him before he left and that I could make him feel comfortable enough to let go. I was that for someone. How amazing is that?

“Knowing I didn’t keep you for my forever, but that you got to keep me for yours, is so special. I wasn’t your first, but I was your last. I was the last thing you touched, heard, and saw. You loved me enough to hold on for me. I loved you enough to let you go.”

xo