We Need to Talk About PTSD

I’m sure most of you have heard of PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Basically, it is anxiety caused by certain triggers, and it occurs in people who have been through or witnessed a life-changing event and have difficulty recovering from it.

Before losing my husband, I had never thought much about it. I always thought it applied to war veterans or people who have dealt with abuse. I had been doing “alright” the few months following the loss of my husband, Sam, but there were some things that really brought me some anxiety. It wasn’t until I bumped into and talked to one of Sam’s doctors about the things I had been going through that I heard, “You are experiencing PTSD.”

I was thrown off at first, but it actually started to make sense. I thought: No wonder I’m having nightmares, panic attacks, remembering and replaying horrific memories, and nearly fainting or throwing up at certain sights, smells, sounds. No wonder I go through bouts of not being able to remember what I walked into a room for or what I said 30 seconds ago. No wonder I can’t watch someone receive CPR in a movie or TV show. No wonder I’m always so exhausted.

This wasn’t just “normal” grief anymore. I was (and still am) experiencing grief, but it was like I was always on edge. 6 years later, I still struggle with PTSD episodes from time to time. A trigger can come at any moment. Most days, I am completely fine. Other days, a trigger will come out of nowhere. I come back to reality pretty quickly, but it really just knocks the wind out of me. The triggers typically escalate around anniversary dates, during late fall and into the winter, and in certain situations and places. Aside from that, I still experience memory issues. That has probably been the longest-lasting effect of PTSD and Sam’s loss (obviously aside from the grief).

I’ve even experienced a (somewhat smaller) scale of PTSD from my pregnancy losses and the losses of my family members (I’ve lost 2 uncles, 2 aunts, my grandfather, a cousin, and 2 pregnancies since the beginning of 2019). These losses are just something that have affected me and sometimes my ability to function on a “normal” level.

I feel like PTSD is something people don’t warn you about when it comes to grieving or something traumatic. You expect the crying, the bouts of depression, and even numbness (and you get told to experience it all, but not for too long or too short of a time because then there’s something wrong with you). But no one really talks about the triggers you experience and the side-effects they can have on you, even long after your loss. You went through something traumatic and your brain is trying to process it and protect you. Shortly after Sam passed, I actually learned a lot of widows have PTSD, even those who lost their spouses quickly. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Why are mental health-related things so taboo? These things need to be talked about.

If you are experiencing PTSD after a loss or other traumatic event, reach out. Reach out to me, a doctor, a friend, or a family member. Talking about it helps. It’s treatable. It’s common. You are definitely not alone. You will be okay.

xo